The last pic of my mom....

It has been 75 days since my mom has left her body at Rockvale in a pretty metal box and her soul went to heaven to be with Jesus. I miss her so....this is the last known pic of my mom. It was taken around Thanksgiving 2009 when she helped move Dez to Helena. She is trying so hard not to cry in this pic...that was such a tough time for Dez and us all....I just still am really not so sure that God needed her more than we did.....

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eZeveYm7_rs

I want a mom that will last forever
I want a mom to make it all better
I want a mom that will last forever
I want a mom who will love me whatever

I want a mom that'll take my hand
And make me feel like a holiday
A mom to tuck me in that night
and chase the monsters away
I want a mom that'll read me stories
And sing a lullybye
And if I have a bad dream to hold me when I cry

Oh,
I want a mom that will last forever
I want a mom to make it all better
I want a mom that will last forever
I want a mom that will love me whatever, forever

When she says to me, she will always be there
To watch and protect me I don't have to be scared
Oh, and when she says to me I will always love you
I won't need to worry 'cause I know that it's true

I want a mom when I get lonely
Who will take the time to play
A mom who can be a friend and a rainbow when it's gray
I want a mom to read me stories
And sing a lullaby
And if I have a bad dream, to hold me when I cry

Oh,
I want a mom that will last forever
I want a mom to make it all better
I want a mom that will last forever
I want a mom that will love me whatever, forever
I want a mom that will last forever
I want a mom to make it all better
I want a mom that will last forever
I want a mom that will love me whatever, forever
I want a mom
I want a mom
I want a mom that'll last forever
I want a mom that'll last forever
I want a mom
I want a mom
I want a mom that'll last forever
I want a mom
I want a mom that'll last forever
I want a mom that'll last forever
I want a mom...

Best Friends...the Glue of Life....

So recently I lost my mother. She was such a pain in my fanny most of the time. Harping on my about my character, doing the right thing, taking care of business....you know what kinda mom I am talking about!! But she was also such a good friend....I miss her so.....But I digress....

Since she has died, my focus on people instead of things in life has become monumental. Especially my friends....

Anchors in Life....

Last weekend, my husband and sons attended the wrestling meet in Townsend. Unfortunately, I had to be gone, but I got this pic a little while later from one of them. And it occurred to me that little boys; while being such strange, peculiar creatures are really like weeds. Wait...wait....go with me here....and see if you don't get my meaning....
1. You never have to water them and they grow so fast
2. They show up in the most unlikely spots and when you are least expecting them
3. Their ability to be annoying knows no bounds
I bet I could go on and on....I have found though...that the blessings they bring far outweigh the weed factor. They have taught me the meaning of joy in the simple things of life: lighting firecrackers and throwing them at their dad; scaring Ecko with grasshoppers in the Land cruiser on the way to Cracker Barrel(almost had a wreck on this one); peeling the skin off of firebugs and sticking it on your teeth and then smiling at each other in the dark (I actually taught them this one...gross huh?); making bows and arrows with dull knives and string; making all manners of weapons out of just about anything; hunting for gold and buried treasure; making maps to buried treasure (that they buried); riding bikes; climbing trees; swimming in dirty water; motorcycle riding (one of my favorites); and general overall dangerous stuff that all little boys try.

I spend lots of time giving them the fingerwag and preaching at them. Now that they are a little older, they have suddenly learned the meaning of reverse psychology. I harp on them all the time: pick up after yourself, put your shoes and coat away, is your bed made, stop picking on your brother, don't talk to me like that I am your mother, you guys get my drift. You can best sum this whole discussion up by listening to the mother's version of the William Tell Overture. Here is the link...it is worth the listen: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BcfeVZkS-2g

So the other day, the oldest says to me, "Mom, you didn't hang up your towel in the bathroom after you were done." Busted! "Mom! We aren't allowed to say that word, why are you?" Busted! "Mom, aren't you going faster than the speed limit? The speed limit here is 35, not 45." Busted again! I think the Good Lord put my children here on earth to keep me honest. I know I work a lot harder at it than I would've ever otherwise.

I have come to the conclusion that they are little blessings in disguise.

So She Is Really Gone?......Really?

I got the proof today for my mother's headstone. I can hardly believe that we are picking out headstones. To go and do it was morbid and surreal. Kind of like you were going to the mall to shop for clothes; or Herberger's to buy flatware. I can just hardly believe it! I am still reeling from the shock of the whole thing.

It was exactly 58 days ago that my mother died. It took her 24 hours to suffocate to death...she was conscious for all of it except the last 4 hours when my brother insisted that they morph her up to put her out of her misery....I still have the nightmares from it all. I also have nightmares that she is alive; that her treatment is going along...not without its struggles, but at least going....and it is so stressful to watch her suffer.... And then I wake up and realize that she is really dead. The sense of loss for those few seconds is so staggering that I can hardly breathe in the darkness. The silence is overwhelming and at that moment I know the true meaning of the word sorrow.

Death is a harsh thing, but even harsher for kids. I have watched my sons suffer through all of this. Not understanding why their favorite gram is gone and in heaven. "Mom, did God need her more than we did?" How do you answer that? I have held them all while they sobbed for their grandmother....just sobbed....it was so hard. Their little hearts broken and hurting but not knowing exactly why. "Who are we guna stay with during the summers? She taught us to swim. Who is guna take us to swim lessons so we will be good at swimming?" they all asked me? I don't quite know how to answer their questions. So many unanswered questions...not just for them, but for me...

I ask God about her almost everyday...stupid stuff. Is she behaving in heaven? Is she still as bossy? Does she worry about us? Did he really give her a mansion? Is it close to mine? Why couldn't we send her to heaven with her cell phone? Just a phone call....ONE phone call to make sure she was okay up there....

It seems like this experience has made us all a little older and rougher around the edges. Even the kids. Life seems a little more raw than it was at Christmas. My one comforting thought that I try and pass on to them is that we will get to see her again. That death is really just a comma in the sentence of our lives....We just can't see past the comma...

Little Girl.....Never Forget Her Face.....

Sure miss you so much today mom! Needed some advice and there was no one to ask. Yeah, I coulda asked her....but it just isn't the same as asking you...I miss you so much.

I will always love you....

Little girl don't you forget her face
Laughing away your tears
When she was the one who felt all the pain

Little girl never forget her eyes
Keep them alive inside
I promise to try -- it's not the same

Keep your head held high -- ride like the wind
Never look behind, life isn't fair
That's what you said, so I try not to care

Little girl don't run away so fast
I think you forgot to kiss -- kiss her goodbye

Will she see me cry when I stumble and fall
Does she hear my voice in the night when I call
Wipe away all your tears, it's gonna be all right

I fought to be so strong, I guess you knew
I was afraid you'd go away, too

Little girl you've got to forget the past
And learn to forgive me
I promise to try -- but it feels like a lie

Don't let memory play games with your mind
She's a faded smile frozen in time
I'm still hanging on -- but I'm doing it wrong

Can't kiss her goodbye -- but I promise to try...

Missin My Mom....

Today is a hard day for me. One of my mom's friends called looking for her today. She had no idea that mom had died. Of course she wanted to know the whole sorted story. So you retell it and relive it all over again in your mind.

My father bought my mom the most expensive casket you could get. My mom loved pink. The whole inside was pink. Her casket was metal with metalic silver painting with pink flecks in the topcoat of the paint and gold endcaps with painted roses adorning the outside. It had a weatherproof seal, so it was waterproof and worm proof...which I pointed out to dad that mom would so appreciate as she didn't like bugs and spiders or dust so much.

This picture is her sitting in the Rockvale Cemetary in her fancy expensive little metal box waiting to go into the ground. (Cuz that's what they put you in.. a little metal or wood box. That's what you end up with if you are one of the lucky ones in this world....) 80 years worth of living and you are left with a whole bunch of junk in a square you call a house. You get a small box and they put you in it in the dirt. It was hard for me to walk away and leave here there, even though I know she is not really there. I don't like the cold and I am scared of the dark (don't tell my children).....and she would be alone there all by herself...and it was so cold that day...it just didn't seem like the right thing to do....it still doesn't...

I miss her so much.....*sigh*

Politicians & Babies

Being a Generation X'er, I have to admit that we haven't seen too many hard times compared to previous generations. Yeah, we have had a couple wars; with very minor casualties because of technology. And we had a few tragedies along the way...the most notable for me was Princess Diana dying and the space shuttle blowing up over Las Vegas. (My mom lived there then and called me that night about the spectacular meteor shower...not knowing she was watching 6 people and billions of $$ worth of government property disintegrate into the atmosphere.)

I listen to my grandmother tell stories about World War I & II. She talks about the Great Depression when she was little and the Cold War and the threat of Nuclear War. She talked about that attitudes people had; like what a man did with his family was his business. How women got a little bit of freedom and birth control and went out to work. And people began saving their money for a rainy day. She started out in the days of no indoor plumbing or electricity, raising your own garden for survival to make it through the winter, and horses really did do the work; to fast cars and a man on the moon.

Years later I listened to my mom talk about the Vietnam War, Watergate, various assassinations of prominent leaders and Woodstock and the whole "make love, not war; if it feels good do it" attitude. How divorce and materialism became fashionable, and everyone could buy a house. The American dream was in full effect. And everyone could almost afford it......and if they couldn't, there was credit.

Fast forward to the Roaring 2000's...or should I say to today. Our country is headed for a big train wreck and it is so scary to watch! I have watched my mother's generation (yes you! the baby boomers!) saddle me and my children and grandchildren's generation with trillions of $$ worth of debt. It is unconscionable to me that the baby boomers could even consider doing this!! No fiscal responsibility exists within the government or even big business today. I am appalled that I watch the socialization of debt, and the privatization of wealth to our upper class citizens. That people could think that it would be OK to spend peoples pensions and social security and give them IOU's that they will never be able to repay instead.

In the meantime, I have been fiscally responsible with MY money even though government and businesses haven't been. Even before the age of 40, I am already taking care of my father (he now lives with us after my mother died), my grandparent's when they call and need help, saving for my children's college funds, putting a little away in savings for emergencies (not much mind you), trying to save for my own retirement (ha ha ha ha...never happen...) and taking care of the general basics in life. I can tell you that we drive at least 10 year old vehicles, have no credit card, student loan, or "toys" debt. We own one home in another town that we rent out and it pays for itself....We essentially have NO debt in this world compared to most and live very very frugally. (My children complain about it all the time! The live like kings and don't even realize it!)

So my question is....if I am held accountable for how I run my money(and I am...just ask the bank and the county attorney) AND I have been fiscally responsible....why doesn't government and big business have to be? If I have to suffer a little and go without because I don't have the money, why doesn't the government and big business have to do the same? Who made the rules different for them? When are we going to hold ourselves accountable for the messes that we have made and work on fixing stuff and cleaning it up? In the interests of our own survival and the survival of our country...this would seem prudent...

Just goes to show ya...when politicians are holding your babies...they are stealing their lollipops....Whats that I hear? *silence abounds*