So She Is Really Gone?......Really?

I got the proof today for my mother's headstone. I can hardly believe that we are picking out headstones. To go and do it was morbid and surreal. Kind of like you were going to the mall to shop for clothes; or Herberger's to buy flatware. I can just hardly believe it! I am still reeling from the shock of the whole thing.

It was exactly 58 days ago that my mother died. It took her 24 hours to suffocate to death...she was conscious for all of it except the last 4 hours when my brother insisted that they morph her up to put her out of her misery....I still have the nightmares from it all. I also have nightmares that she is alive; that her treatment is going along...not without its struggles, but at least going....and it is so stressful to watch her suffer.... And then I wake up and realize that she is really dead. The sense of loss for those few seconds is so staggering that I can hardly breathe in the darkness. The silence is overwhelming and at that moment I know the true meaning of the word sorrow.

Death is a harsh thing, but even harsher for kids. I have watched my sons suffer through all of this. Not understanding why their favorite gram is gone and in heaven. "Mom, did God need her more than we did?" How do you answer that? I have held them all while they sobbed for their grandmother....just sobbed....it was so hard. Their little hearts broken and hurting but not knowing exactly why. "Who are we guna stay with during the summers? She taught us to swim. Who is guna take us to swim lessons so we will be good at swimming?" they all asked me? I don't quite know how to answer their questions. So many unanswered questions...not just for them, but for me...

I ask God about her almost everyday...stupid stuff. Is she behaving in heaven? Is she still as bossy? Does she worry about us? Did he really give her a mansion? Is it close to mine? Why couldn't we send her to heaven with her cell phone? Just a phone call....ONE phone call to make sure she was okay up there....

It seems like this experience has made us all a little older and rougher around the edges. Even the kids. Life seems a little more raw than it was at Christmas. My one comforting thought that I try and pass on to them is that we will get to see her again. That death is really just a comma in the sentence of our lives....We just can't see past the comma...