Little Girl.....Never Forget Her Face.....

Sure miss you so much today mom! Needed some advice and there was no one to ask. Yeah, I coulda asked her....but it just isn't the same as asking you...I miss you so much.

I will always love you....

Little girl don't you forget her face
Laughing away your tears
When she was the one who felt all the pain

Little girl never forget her eyes
Keep them alive inside
I promise to try -- it's not the same

Keep your head held high -- ride like the wind
Never look behind, life isn't fair
That's what you said, so I try not to care

Little girl don't run away so fast
I think you forgot to kiss -- kiss her goodbye

Will she see me cry when I stumble and fall
Does she hear my voice in the night when I call
Wipe away all your tears, it's gonna be all right

I fought to be so strong, I guess you knew
I was afraid you'd go away, too

Little girl you've got to forget the past
And learn to forgive me
I promise to try -- but it feels like a lie

Don't let memory play games with your mind
She's a faded smile frozen in time
I'm still hanging on -- but I'm doing it wrong

Can't kiss her goodbye -- but I promise to try...

Exercising = Hard Work!

Oh man!! Do I have to get back in to exercising!! After my mom died, I just haven't been able to get back into it. If I don't soon, I am gunna blimp out. My brother started me on the whole exercising guilt trip a year ago. So I joined boot camp at the local fitness club. No one told me that they tried to kill you in there!! For the first 6 weeks I had panic attacks when we ran around the track...I swear...right where that track sits in that stadium...God has programmed the air there to be thinner...I am sure of it! Anyone remember burpies from grade school? Yeah...I hated them too...still do...really really bad...Every time I do them...my mother says in my head "What doesn't kill you only makes you stronger....what doesn't kill you only makes you stronger....." I am not so sure that applies to burpies.....

So I go along my exercising ways all last year....then my sister's husband does some funny stuff (details I am not allowed to explain on the net for sure!) and she moves here and files for divorce!! So then she starts the gotta exercise like mad and make that son-of-a-bitch pay!! "Oh, and Dawn, I don't wanna go to the club by myself...come exercise with me. It will be fun!" It sure didn't seem like fun....But Wow! Did that work great for losing weight! We had Boot Camp on Mondays, Wednesdays, Fridays 6-7am...Tuesday Thursday mornings 5:30-7am were dedicated to Body Pump....Tuesday Thursday nights 6-7pm were dedicated to kick boxing....and lets go walk or run for fun on the weekends....C'mon! Lets go!!

In the meantime, no time for fun in my life with 50+ hours a week for work, exercising, little kids and sports...But I did have time to notice Sara....our boot camp instructor. Tall and skinny with a built in 6-pack. (My brother said she used to be in the marines...that hadta be where that body comes from!!)....I joked with her that I was just guna tatoo a 6-pack on to the front of me! That way I would at least have one....My friend Barb has one...not fair....we'll talk about her later. Anyway, Sara not only runs along side you in boot camp if you aren't doing what she considers good...(I consider it good just not to pass out and keep breathing and moving)...she also considers it essential that we all work out in the dark to whatever is on her IPOD. I have learned lots of interesting songs that I wouldn't ever let my children listen to. I find myself singing them during the day...the best part is when Sara is trying to kill all of us and apologizes for certain words that are coming up in the song that she deems not appropo.....my goal is to look like that girl...and man can she run!!! I can keep up with her for the first lap...after that...its all uphill from there...slower and slower and slower.....

BUT, with all that exercising I looked SO GOOD in my skinny DIESEL RR550's, Button down government sanctioned shirt and vest (yes we have uniforms...I know...falls right in line with the geekiness...)...Brighton leather shoes, Brighton belt, Brighton necklaces (Yes plural, I always wear at least 2), and Brighton stringers.... (Did I mention that I happen to like anything Brighton? Gave up the Brighton purse long ago for a cheap diaper bag instead....My youngest is now 6....went to a wallet instead...nothing to carry in my hands...so nice...but I digress....)

My exercise nazi friend Barb bugs me to come to the club almost every day. She exercises in the morning...then at lunch...sometimes for 2 hours...and then goes again in the evening! See what I mean? Exercise nazi...just like I said...But she is so good for me...keeps me on the exercising "straight and narrow" path....except for this procrastination phase that I am going through! Eeeeek!! Next week...I will start next week....cross my fingers hope to die....stick a needle in my eye....could I really do that? I can be tough....but needles? Could I bite on a stick first? How about mild sedation? hmmmmmmm

What were we talking about again? Oh yeah....exercising......So how's the weather where you are?

When Do You Earn Your Adult Badge?

Okay-I don't really feel like an adult. Before my mom died, she didn't have me take the "You have passed and are now an official adult" test, got the certification and plaque on the wall in the little frame that people are so proud of...whatever you would call it. I just don't feel I'm really ready to pick up that mantle and carry it on....(you know, kind of how Elisha picked it up from Elijah). So when are you ready? I asked my gram...she is 84...she said she isn't ready either....and doesn't know if you ever are ready...hmmmmm....didn't like that answer.....

I know that things that seemed so important before mean nothing now...money, power, status, wealth, big house, fancy car, keeping up with the Jones', "the American dream" (ha ha whatever that is...), learning a new sport, an education (bachelor's, master's, etc.) (my mom had them all)...none of it lasts...it all dies with you....if you ever really had it at all....never really realized that before...I always had hope for a better tomorrow...it partially of my own making...don't care at all now about any of it...None of it lasts without God in it or God in you...

You will laugh....I hate sandwiches...absolutely hate them...the last 1 I ate was the 2nd day of Kindergarten...after that, I threw them in the creek every day on the way to school so I wouldn't have to eat them (another story for later....*rolls eyes*). What did they serve at the funeral dinner? Yep...you guessed it...sandwiches...ate the stupid sandwhich and didn't even care...would have ate 10,000 of them if it would've brought her back...

Now it all seems futile. Everything you do in life seems worthless without God attached to it or in it (never noticed it so much before)...everything you do, buy, or say, how you behave in front of others, both public and private...what you read, watch on TV, put in or ON your body...food you eat. My sister brought me carrot cookies from the hospital today...my mother would make those for us when we were little...never have seen them anywhere my whole life...except here in the hospital when she was there...so weird...I sat at my desk and cried....

Little stuff I am so thankful for...putting on my own clothes...brushing my own teeth, being able to eat. (My mom was so sick...she couldn't even eat)...using the restroom in private without help...being able to breath...(I watched her suffocate and die)..and all I could do was wring my hands and pray....The warm sun shining on my face has new meaning. The smell of fresh mountain air..my sons when they smile and laugh..good healthcare available anytime day or night...even the dentist..the freedom to go for a walk down the street with no real violence or persecution because you call yourself (insert label here)....we are so blessed and we just complain to everyone about everything...including God....

Why didn't I notice these things before? Such a harsh lesson to learn at 37....I miss her so much....

Its A Hard Knock Life

Anyone watch the old Annie movie with Carol Burnett? (I always loved Caroll Burnett..) I used to think that girl had it so rough....being the ripe old age of 37 and looking back on it all....she didn't know what rough was....kids are so flexible and they can grab hope and hang on...see the good in life...long after an adult has given up....why do we lose that as we get older?

My friend Sue has always "encouraged" me to journal...which is weird because she won't journal but thinks people should...and we always poked and prodded each other about it and never really did anything with it...Journaling has come up now again for me in a BIG BIG way...And so my story starts....at the beginning where all good stories start...or actually somewhere in the middle I think....It starts out of a deep need for an understanding of this life and why things happen the way they do....and always the persuit of the questions that remain unanswered....

My mother died at the beginning of this year from Acute Myloid Leukemia. I watched her suffocate to death from pheunmonia in her hospital bed in Helena, Montana on a cold (-30) Thursday morning on January 7th. She had just turned 58. From the time of her diagnosis til her death....6 days....I got 6 days with my mom and that was it...By the time we got her to the hospital...she was already too sick to care much about anything...we all had 1 good night with her..from that point on every minute was a fight to the death...with death... for her life....