Anchors in Life....

Last weekend, my husband and sons attended the wrestling meet in Townsend. Unfortunately, I had to be gone, but I got this pic a little while later from one of them. And it occurred to me that little boys; while being such strange, peculiar creatures are really like weeds. Wait...wait....go with me here....and see if you don't get my meaning....
1. You never have to water them and they grow so fast
2. They show up in the most unlikely spots and when you are least expecting them
3. Their ability to be annoying knows no bounds
I bet I could go on and on....I have found though...that the blessings they bring far outweigh the weed factor. They have taught me the meaning of joy in the simple things of life: lighting firecrackers and throwing them at their dad; scaring Ecko with grasshoppers in the Land cruiser on the way to Cracker Barrel(almost had a wreck on this one); peeling the skin off of firebugs and sticking it on your teeth and then smiling at each other in the dark (I actually taught them this one...gross huh?); making bows and arrows with dull knives and string; making all manners of weapons out of just about anything; hunting for gold and buried treasure; making maps to buried treasure (that they buried); riding bikes; climbing trees; swimming in dirty water; motorcycle riding (one of my favorites); and general overall dangerous stuff that all little boys try.

I spend lots of time giving them the fingerwag and preaching at them. Now that they are a little older, they have suddenly learned the meaning of reverse psychology. I harp on them all the time: pick up after yourself, put your shoes and coat away, is your bed made, stop picking on your brother, don't talk to me like that I am your mother, you guys get my drift. You can best sum this whole discussion up by listening to the mother's version of the William Tell Overture. Here is the link...it is worth the listen: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BcfeVZkS-2g

So the other day, the oldest says to me, "Mom, you didn't hang up your towel in the bathroom after you were done." Busted! "Mom! We aren't allowed to say that word, why are you?" Busted! "Mom, aren't you going faster than the speed limit? The speed limit here is 35, not 45." Busted again! I think the Good Lord put my children here on earth to keep me honest. I know I work a lot harder at it than I would've ever otherwise.

I have come to the conclusion that they are little blessings in disguise.

So She Is Really Gone?......Really?

I got the proof today for my mother's headstone. I can hardly believe that we are picking out headstones. To go and do it was morbid and surreal. Kind of like you were going to the mall to shop for clothes; or Herberger's to buy flatware. I can just hardly believe it! I am still reeling from the shock of the whole thing.

It was exactly 58 days ago that my mother died. It took her 24 hours to suffocate to death...she was conscious for all of it except the last 4 hours when my brother insisted that they morph her up to put her out of her misery....I still have the nightmares from it all. I also have nightmares that she is alive; that her treatment is going along...not without its struggles, but at least going....and it is so stressful to watch her suffer.... And then I wake up and realize that she is really dead. The sense of loss for those few seconds is so staggering that I can hardly breathe in the darkness. The silence is overwhelming and at that moment I know the true meaning of the word sorrow.

Death is a harsh thing, but even harsher for kids. I have watched my sons suffer through all of this. Not understanding why their favorite gram is gone and in heaven. "Mom, did God need her more than we did?" How do you answer that? I have held them all while they sobbed for their grandmother....just sobbed....it was so hard. Their little hearts broken and hurting but not knowing exactly why. "Who are we guna stay with during the summers? She taught us to swim. Who is guna take us to swim lessons so we will be good at swimming?" they all asked me? I don't quite know how to answer their questions. So many unanswered questions...not just for them, but for me...

I ask God about her almost everyday...stupid stuff. Is she behaving in heaven? Is she still as bossy? Does she worry about us? Did he really give her a mansion? Is it close to mine? Why couldn't we send her to heaven with her cell phone? Just a phone call....ONE phone call to make sure she was okay up there....

It seems like this experience has made us all a little older and rougher around the edges. Even the kids. Life seems a little more raw than it was at Christmas. My one comforting thought that I try and pass on to them is that we will get to see her again. That death is really just a comma in the sentence of our lives....We just can't see past the comma...

Little Girl.....Never Forget Her Face.....

Sure miss you so much today mom! Needed some advice and there was no one to ask. Yeah, I coulda asked her....but it just isn't the same as asking you...I miss you so much.

I will always love you....

Little girl don't you forget her face
Laughing away your tears
When she was the one who felt all the pain

Little girl never forget her eyes
Keep them alive inside
I promise to try -- it's not the same

Keep your head held high -- ride like the wind
Never look behind, life isn't fair
That's what you said, so I try not to care

Little girl don't run away so fast
I think you forgot to kiss -- kiss her goodbye

Will she see me cry when I stumble and fall
Does she hear my voice in the night when I call
Wipe away all your tears, it's gonna be all right

I fought to be so strong, I guess you knew
I was afraid you'd go away, too

Little girl you've got to forget the past
And learn to forgive me
I promise to try -- but it feels like a lie

Don't let memory play games with your mind
She's a faded smile frozen in time
I'm still hanging on -- but I'm doing it wrong

Can't kiss her goodbye -- but I promise to try...

Missin My Mom....

Today is a hard day for me. One of my mom's friends called looking for her today. She had no idea that mom had died. Of course she wanted to know the whole sorted story. So you retell it and relive it all over again in your mind.

My father bought my mom the most expensive casket you could get. My mom loved pink. The whole inside was pink. Her casket was metal with metalic silver painting with pink flecks in the topcoat of the paint and gold endcaps with painted roses adorning the outside. It had a weatherproof seal, so it was waterproof and worm proof...which I pointed out to dad that mom would so appreciate as she didn't like bugs and spiders or dust so much.

This picture is her sitting in the Rockvale Cemetary in her fancy expensive little metal box waiting to go into the ground. (Cuz that's what they put you in.. a little metal or wood box. That's what you end up with if you are one of the lucky ones in this world....) 80 years worth of living and you are left with a whole bunch of junk in a square you call a house. You get a small box and they put you in it in the dirt. It was hard for me to walk away and leave here there, even though I know she is not really there. I don't like the cold and I am scared of the dark (don't tell my children).....and she would be alone there all by herself...and it was so cold that day...it just didn't seem like the right thing to do....it still doesn't...

I miss her so much.....*sigh*

Politicians & Babies

Being a Generation X'er, I have to admit that we haven't seen too many hard times compared to previous generations. Yeah, we have had a couple wars; with very minor casualties because of technology. And we had a few tragedies along the way...the most notable for me was Princess Diana dying and the space shuttle blowing up over Las Vegas. (My mom lived there then and called me that night about the spectacular meteor shower...not knowing she was watching 6 people and billions of $$ worth of government property disintegrate into the atmosphere.)

I listen to my grandmother tell stories about World War I & II. She talks about the Great Depression when she was little and the Cold War and the threat of Nuclear War. She talked about that attitudes people had; like what a man did with his family was his business. How women got a little bit of freedom and birth control and went out to work. And people began saving their money for a rainy day. She started out in the days of no indoor plumbing or electricity, raising your own garden for survival to make it through the winter, and horses really did do the work; to fast cars and a man on the moon.

Years later I listened to my mom talk about the Vietnam War, Watergate, various assassinations of prominent leaders and Woodstock and the whole "make love, not war; if it feels good do it" attitude. How divorce and materialism became fashionable, and everyone could buy a house. The American dream was in full effect. And everyone could almost afford it......and if they couldn't, there was credit.

Fast forward to the Roaring 2000's...or should I say to today. Our country is headed for a big train wreck and it is so scary to watch! I have watched my mother's generation (yes you! the baby boomers!) saddle me and my children and grandchildren's generation with trillions of $$ worth of debt. It is unconscionable to me that the baby boomers could even consider doing this!! No fiscal responsibility exists within the government or even big business today. I am appalled that I watch the socialization of debt, and the privatization of wealth to our upper class citizens. That people could think that it would be OK to spend peoples pensions and social security and give them IOU's that they will never be able to repay instead.

In the meantime, I have been fiscally responsible with MY money even though government and businesses haven't been. Even before the age of 40, I am already taking care of my father (he now lives with us after my mother died), my grandparent's when they call and need help, saving for my children's college funds, putting a little away in savings for emergencies (not much mind you), trying to save for my own retirement (ha ha ha ha...never happen...) and taking care of the general basics in life. I can tell you that we drive at least 10 year old vehicles, have no credit card, student loan, or "toys" debt. We own one home in another town that we rent out and it pays for itself....We essentially have NO debt in this world compared to most and live very very frugally. (My children complain about it all the time! The live like kings and don't even realize it!)

So my question is....if I am held accountable for how I run my money(and I am...just ask the bank and the county attorney) AND I have been fiscally responsible....why doesn't government and big business have to be? If I have to suffer a little and go without because I don't have the money, why doesn't the government and big business have to do the same? Who made the rules different for them? When are we going to hold ourselves accountable for the messes that we have made and work on fixing stuff and cleaning it up? In the interests of our own survival and the survival of our country...this would seem prudent...

Just goes to show ya...when politicians are holding your babies...they are stealing their lollipops....Whats that I hear? *silence abounds*

The Sweetest Sound I Have Ever Heard!

In my ripe old age of 30-something.... there is nothing that can provoke a faster reaction from me than to hear the words, "Mom!" screamed at the top of someones lungs. Most of the time, I jump up immediately and do a level of danger assessment and then triage bumps, bruises, bloody noses, swings or become the general referee or judge in the may lay.

All your life you are told that children are a blessing. Psalms 127:3 says it this way..."Behold, children are a heritage from the Lord, the fruit of the womb a reward. .." Now there are times in my life when I would stand up and hotly debate my children being a blessing. But, occasionally God reminds me that while being an adult has its privilege's (that he has so graciously bestowed on me); he reserves the right to change that, or remind us of our shortcomings, when we as adults forget or ignore our responsibilities. Now, I don't know about you, but lots of times he uses my children to remind me...Oh Ouch!

At that time the disciples came to Jesus, saying, “Who is the greatest in the kingdom of heaven?” And calling to him a child, he put him in the midst of them and said, “Truly, I say to you, unless you turn and become like children, you will never enter the kingdom of heaven.-Matthew 18:1-3

Now they were bringing even infants to him that he might touch them. And when the disciples saw it, they rebuked them. But Jesus called them to him, saying, “Let the children come to me, and do not hinder them, for to such belongs the kingdom of God. Truly, I say to you, whoever does not receive the kingdom of God like a child shall not enter it.”
(Luke 18:15-17 ESV)

And Jesus said to them, “Yes; have you never read, “‘Out of the mouth of infants and nursing babies you have prepared praise’?” (Matthew 21:15-16 ESV)

Case in point, I hear my sons singing songs off the Christian radio while they play (when they are in the car, that is all we listen to when I drive)...However, I just drove back from the store, by myself, and just stepped out of the car listening to PINK. So what am I singing? Yep! You guessed it....PINK! "Mom, is that a Christian song? It doesn't sound like it..." Oh Ouch!

I tease my sons about something or some situation that I have just made up. When I reveal the truth of the situation, they ask me,"Mommy, wouldn't that technically be a lie?" Oh ouch!

Recently we had an issue with family. To save a long story; lets just say it did not end on the best note. As a result, we haven't visited with them in awhile. The boys came to us, collectively after they had discussed it at length amongst themselves (mind you the oldest is only 11) and said. "Dad you should call them. Someone has to be an adult and take the high road. Besides, doesn't God say that you should forgive someone like a bazillion times in the Bible?" Oh another Ouch! Out of the mouth of babes...

So many times, God used children to further his kingdom and guide his people long after all the adults went astray! Josiah was 8 years old when God made him the king over Israel. He reigned 31 years! Then there was Joash at 7. God put him on the throne of Israel and he ruled the kingdom for 40 years in 852 B.C. God chose Kind David to rule when he was a child. All of these children grew into manhood and furthered God's work in the lives of his people....long before they officially becoming an adult. (Not sure when you really officially become and adult...still trying to figure this one out...) And they lived under the same curse of sin I do...so they couldn't have been perfect...

Fast forward 2000+ years and here I sit. My sons are all around those ages. If God put them in charge of our family or our nation...I would think we could be in big trouble! I don't see the Godliness in them that you see in those children that ruled their nation so long ago. (I question whether this is my fault....most certainly I have contributed negatively some how.) But I also realize that God raised those children up to serve him.....they were a small, minute fraction of the many that he could have chosen. (I have often wondered what their mothers thought.)

This all brings to me the awesome responsibility and the blessing (yep...that's what I said...) that God has given me in my 3 sons. A responsibility that is at times so overwhelming in this life that all I can do is pray and wring my hands. I pray for them during the day, pray with them and over them every night before they go to bed. What do I pray? That God would hide his word in the hearts; that they would become men of God and chase after him all of their lives; that they can resist the temptation to enjoy the things of this world and choose the long hard road instead of the easier one....

I took these pics on the boy's first ski trip this year. Notice the 2 younger ones I didn't trust so much...they are wearing helmets for their own safety and mine. (Thank you Lord for good medical insurance!) We had so much fun together that day and they were such a blessing. As we sat on the chair lifts and the boys chattered excitedly about which "jump" we were going to try next (while I was thinking...yes Dawn..put on your big girl panties and try the jump too...they will expect it...) it occurred to me that God really could not have blessed me more greatly in this life full of troubles than at this exact moment...the gift was priceless to me. If I could've gotten off that chairlift, I would have kneeled in the snow right then. I said, "Lord are you listening? Did you ever think about trying skiing while you were here? I know you were so busy. But it's so much fun. (I ramble when I visit with God. I am so glad he puts up with it...) Seriously Lord, I wanted to thank for for this moment in time that you have given me with my sons. For these few minutes, my life could not be any more perfect or more blessed... My brain is on record right now and I will never ever forget this moment. I owe you Lord..not only my life....but my son's lives...they are yours...thank you for sharing them with me for just a little awhile....I will love you for it always...

My kids snapped me back out of my prayer just in time. "Mom! Put your ski tips up! It's time to get off...hurry!" We got off the chair lift and skied down around the corner for an equipment check and glove adjustment. I smiled.

"Mom, what's so funny?", the middle one says to me.

"Oh nothing, just glad God gave you guys to me."

"You feeling ok? We gotta get going. We are guna try the backwards rodeo this time! Let's go!" For those of you who don't know what a backwards rodeo is...its when coming off of a jump, you turn your back down the hill, flipping 540 and landing fakie or rotating a total of 720 and landing regular. (I know...don't you just wanna say huh/what at the end of all that?)

"OK," I yelled as they were already skiing off. "I am just going straight off the jump and catch some air...you guys do the rodeo thingy and I will watch at the bottom..." And away we all went...me praying that they would make it through the backwards rodeo with no broken bones or serious injuries that would require medical attention more than what I could provide....thank you Lord...for my sons...they are such blessing...their voices yelling and laughing as we went on down the mountain truly were the sweetest sound I have ever heard.....

Close Calls

Not every day, but sometimes the Good Lord reminds me (in a big way) that he is my protection even when I am not paying attention.

As we were coming home a couple of weeks ago on the interstate; the traffic suddenly slowed and an ambulance shot by us with lights and sirens going. (Whenever this happens I always start to pray for whatever situation has just happened that requires an ambulance. Experience has taught me that if an ambulance is involved; most likely the situation has not started out in a positive direction...If its Life Flight...its even worse.) As we drove by this truck, it was clear that the ambulance was for whatever had happened here. You could tell it was slick; the truck was from oncoming traffic and that as it lost control and rolled it came through the ongoing traffic(us!) and came to land very precariously balanced on the gaurd rail like you see here. (Over the edge lies a long, steep hill/cliff and most certainly a short, hard ride into eternity.)

The Bible says in Psalms 57:1..."Have mercy on me, O God, have mercy! I look to you for protection. I will hide beneath the shadow of your wings until the danger passes by." We happened to be late coming home that day. What would have happened if we would have been 15 minutes earlier? That day I was reminded that this could have been any of us. How many times during the day does God give us his protection; without us ever asking for it; and save us from certain death or danger? I'm not just talking about a vehicle accident. I am talking about making decisions when we are presented with a choice; a choice that could lead us down the direction of life or death without you even knowing maybe which path you chose? Maybe its a decision on how we deal with a situation involving a friend or family; or a decision to look or be involved in something not entirely kosher. So many times I have prayed, "Please dear God, if you will just save me from myself...I will make it." For me, I find that my bad decisions are caused by my pride; the root of all sin. Pride is what caused Satan to fall from heaven; for Moses to never enter the promised land; for King David to lose his son; and King Solomon to go crazy. I am reminded almost daily how sometimes my biggest adversary is within myself. If God can just save me from myself and my own destructiveness (which has been built into us from the beginning when sin entered the world), I just might make it in this life.

So how can you survive this life and finish the race how God intended? That is the best question ever and I ask it all the time. The great philosopher Sir Francis Bacon once stated that knowledge is power....(he also stated that science is but an image of the truth, but that is a whole other discussion.) If knowledge is really power, why don't we possess it? Why don't we study it, focus on it, hunger for it, look for it? Because that knowledge has been hidden from us! So how do we get it? Where do we find it? The Bible gives us a clear direction to head...Psalm 119:105, "Thy word is a lamp until my feet and a light unto my path..."

So what kind of close calls have you had lately?