Okay-I don't really feel like an adult. Before my mom died, she didn't have me take the "You have passed and are now an official adult" test, got the certification and plaque on the wall in the little frame that people are so proud of...whatever you would call it. I just don't feel I'm really ready to pick up that mantle and carry it on....(you know, kind of how Elisha picked it up from Elijah). So when are you ready? I asked my gram...she is 84...she said she isn't ready either....and doesn't know if you ever are ready...hmmmmm....didn't like that answer.....
I know that things that seemed so important before mean nothing now...money, power, status, wealth, big house, fancy car, keeping up with the Jones', "the American dream" (ha ha whatever that is...), learning a new sport, an education (bachelor's, master's, etc.) (my mom had them all)...none of it lasts...it all dies with you....if you ever really had it at all....never really realized that before...I always had hope for a better tomorrow...it partially of my own making...don't care at all now about any of it...None of it lasts without God in it or God in you...
You will laugh....I hate sandwiches...absolutely hate them...the last 1 I ate was the 2nd day of Kindergarten...after that, I threw them in the creek every day on the way to school so I wouldn't have to eat them (another story for later....*rolls eyes*). What did they serve at the funeral dinner? Yep...you guessed it...sandwiches...ate the stupid sandwhich and didn't even care...would have ate 10,000 of them if it would've brought her back...
Now it all seems futile. Everything you do in life seems worthless without God attached to it or in it (never noticed it so much before)...everything you do, buy, or say, how you behave in front of others, both public and private...what you read, watch on TV, put in or ON your body...food you eat. My sister brought me carrot cookies from the hospital today...my mother would make those for us when we were little...never have seen them anywhere my whole life...except here in the hospital when she was there...so weird...I sat at my desk and cried....
Little stuff I am so thankful for...putting on my own clothes...brushing my own teeth, being able to eat. (My mom was so sick...she couldn't even eat)...using the restroom in private without help...being able to breath...(I watched her suffocate and die)..and all I could do was wring my hands and pray....The warm sun shining on my face has new meaning. The smell of fresh mountain air..my sons when they smile and laugh..good healthcare available anytime day or night...even the dentist..the freedom to go for a walk down the street with no real violence or persecution because you call yourself (insert label here)....we are so blessed and we just complain to everyone about everything...including God....
Why didn't I notice these things before? Such a harsh lesson to learn at 37....I miss her so much....
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